Christmas Shopping With Zack
by SpongeGuy
Summary: Zack and Melissa go Christmas Shopping for their son. A gift for Tugiacat!


"Ok, so it's just a quick trip to aisle 3 to get him that Captain America action figure, then a dart to the counter, pay, leave and hopefully not get trampled!"

Zack clasped his hands. "If we're lucky, everyone forgot to tear a page off of their calenders!"

"Zack, not only do people use phones nowadays, but this is Christmas shopping. How is this scary?"

Melissa Chase-Underwood had never truly understood her husband's fears.

Well, that wasn't true: She understood many of them (especially the "please let's not be killed by this weird thing" ones).

But Christmas shopping? He wasn't a sitcom character for crying out loud!

Standing in front of the toy store in the mall, bells jingling all over, Zack and Melissa Chase-Underwood prepared for what was easily a parent's least favorite bit of Christmas shopping: The actual act of Christmas shopping.

Even Melissa, who found said fears unfounded, thought it was more fun to plan the list rather than actually go out and buy shit.

But well, someone had to give Percy Chase-Underwood a gift!

And Santa couldn't! He was busy fighting off the Krakenn, and he had personally requested that she and Zack make it up for the boy!

An explosion sounded and Zack leapt into his wife's arms, shaking.

"Zack, for crying out loud, it was the explosion shop!"

The store owner waved. "You want a little excitement in your life?"

"I've had a heart attack, I wouldn't recommend.", Zack barbed, and Melissa put him down.

"Look, honey, let's just go in and out, it's real easy! I promise it's not scary!"

She then smirked. "And if it's SOOO hard, I'll hold your hand."

Zack chuckled nervously. "The hand holding I like, it's the fate tempting that I'm not fond of."

Walking in, they were greeted with a surprisingly empty store.

Aisles and aisles of toys, board games, video games and assorted copies of the Fedralist Papers could be found. Truly, wonders of childhood!

Clean floors, wide open spaces, no bodily wounds…

"Am… Am I dead? Is this heaven? Where's the real store?", Zack asked, disbelieving.

Melissa laughed warmly. "See? What did I say? Nothing to be afraid of."

Zack rubbed the back of his head. "I guess you're right…"

Zack sighed. He was always so scared. So worried.

How did someone so brave like Melissa ever go for a weakling, a wuss like him?

Could he ever protect her like she did him?

Could he ever be good enough?

Melissa, sensing something was wrong, grabbed his collar and neared him to her. "Well, I'm always right. Like how this is the perfect moment for a kiss…"

Despite his previous concerns, the promise of a kiss melted his fears away and Zack closed his eyes and neared his lips.

But before anyone could smooch, a sound, most inhuman, could be heard from outside.

"Wait, what's going on?", Zack asked the counter lady, who was hiding behind her cash registor.

"Dude, you really think this place was empty? They all left for 5 minutes for dramatic tension!"

"WHY?!"

"ASK THE WRITER, NOT ME!"

Zack then glared at me, but dude, trust me, this pays off in the end!

"It fucking better, you…", Zack started, but he couldn't finish because my self esteem didn't need the hit. That, and people were trampling over him.

Struggling in a sea of background characters, Zack went up for air after breathing in way too many wallets (more than a doctor advises, I assure you!), and shouted out for Melissa.

"Melissa! Where are you?"

Waving from the Barbie aisle (to her great displeasure), Melissa waved. "I'm ok! But what about you?"

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK TO MY ELBOW? IT HAD COMMITMENT ISSUES!"

"No, I am not ok! Someone's elbow is cheating on them, and frankly, it's just really upsetting me now!", Zack shouted back, and he tried to swim towards her, but instead got sweapt by the current towards the counter.

Melissa, realizing this was on her, tried to tarzan swing from the lamp, but it being a lamp in the real world and NOT A CARTOON (DOI), it broke and she fell into a ball pit.

"MELISSA! NO!", Zack screamed dramatically.

"Calm your tiny tits, Underwood! I'm fine!"

"They're not tiny, they're petit!"

Melissa was, unfortunately, blocked by a really big capri Sun.

"You're going to need to get there yourself. I'm not puncturing this thing and getting covered in factory grapes."

"I mean, anything factory is disgusting, so…"

Zack looked down at the wave of people, chomping around like sharks.

Zack looked up at the rickety lamps and ladders, knowing they would spell disaster.

Zack looked at himself and realized…

He wasn't good enough.

He couldn't do this kind of stuff, this was a Milo thing, a Melissa thing, maybe even a Cavendish thing, but definitely not a Zack thing!

"I BEG your pardon?!", Cavendish protested, but he was removed from the story, so we can continue with no further interruptions.

Zack shuddered as he held himself, realizing that he was a failure as a husband and a father.

Looking at his wife, who was still underneath a giant capri sun, he apologized.

"I'm sorry, Melissa! I can't get our son his toy! I'm a failure!"

He went down to his knees. "A FAILURE!"

Seconds passed as Zack felt like crap.

And then, his dear beloved passed on some words of wisdom.

"…Zack, are you kidding me?"

Zack looked up to see Melissa doing her best to keep the capri sun up.

"Honey, this low self esteem thing is unnecessary! You've faced off against way harder stuff than this!"

Zack considered her words as she continued to say them, fighting her hardest to encourage the man she loved.

"You've faced off Pistachions, aliens, hemerraoids, and more weird things I don't have the will to say!"

Zack began to stand up, feeling a little more confident.

"I believe in you! Why do you think I married you?", Melissa shouted out, now submerged underneath capri sun.

Zack was willing to try…

But still, he was afraid of failing his son.

Continuously hesitating to make the jump, it seemed hopeless.

That is…

Until he saw that there was one Captain America left…

And someone was reaching for it…

Eyes turning red, and breath turning slow, awesome action music began to play as Zack realized he was one step away from truly failing his son…

And he was not ok with that.

"OVER. MY. DEAD. BODY."

Suddenly leaping in inhuman speed, Zack swung on the rickety lamps onto the ladders, as if they weren't going to break because he willed them not to.

The people tried to eat him up, but he distracted them with coupons, and using his hands, he actually flapped them enough to fly through the sky towards the Captain America toys.

Landing gracefully, Zack observed his surrundings: The toy was in reach, but the hand, which now has a handlebar moustache, was reaching closer.

He was above it, standing on the shelf, but would it be enough?

"MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!", The hand somehow laughed. "You lose, Underwood! I have the high ground!"

Zack didn't even bat an eye as he grabbed the toy easily.

"BUT HOW?!", The hand cried.

"Ok, first of all, if anything, I had the high ground. Secondly, it's right there. And thirdly…"

He whispered in its ear.

"NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY BOY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. THIS TOY IS HIS."

Easily walking over all the heads of the sea of customers, Zack bought the toy and extracted Melissa from the Capri Sun.

"You did good, Underwood… You did good…", she complimented as they walked out of the mall.

"I did, didn't I? I guess you are right, there really is nothing to be scared of…", Zack started, before suddenly seeing a squirrel.

"AAAAAAARGGHGHGHGHG! OH MY GOD NO! DANGEROUS! DANGEROUS CREATURE! ARF! ARF ARF, I SAY!"

As Zack chased the squirrel away, Melissa rolled her eyes affectionately and kissed his cheek.

"My hero…"


End file.
